Geddoe (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
trueltning_fury) wrote2008-02-26 08:59 pm
trueltning_fury) wrote2008-02-26 08:59 pm
I don't know anymore
There's something on his mind, he won't tell me. He's been slightly more distant the last day or two. Still here, but his smile falters easily. I'm concerned that I've already lost the battle for his heart before it's hardly begun.
I need to get some of this down on paper. Maybe if I see the words in front of me, it'll be easier to discern what I need to do.
I need to get some of this down on paper. Maybe if I see the words in front of me, it'll be easier to discern what I need to do.
Is it selfish of me to be so forward, to practically declare that I'm not going to back off and leave him to his other? Or is it simply...the only thing I can do to keep from losing the one good thing I have in my life? I've been mulling over both ends of the argument, and while I don't know whether what I'm doing is fair, I do know that it's essential if I want to have any chance at all with Sigurd. To give him up would guarantee I would lose him. To fight for him...I may still lose, but at least the loss would be his responsibility, not mine. I never like to say I didn't give my all, that I didn't try. To give up now, to not even try, just because it's so much easier to slip back into the solitary life I've led for nearly sixty years...that wouldn't be right. I've gotten in too deep, I can't back out now.
If I fail...I don't know what I'll do.
No one has ever warmed my heart the way he does. He makes me want to reach out to him, rather than push him away and wrap myself tighter in the safe confines of the walls I've built around myself. I know I'm at a disadvantage. Bernadette is safe, stable, predictable, staid. And a woman. I'm rough, dark, not even sure of myself, and a man. I can't give him a family. I can only give him myself, the good and the bad. But sometimes I wonder. I don't know the woman all that well, just that she needles him often about his line of work. Sigurd may be a kind man but he's a pirate - it's as ingrained in him as being a mercenary is in me. I wonder if she'd ask him to give it up - and if she did, what would he do? Would he change something so fundamental about him? I don't think I would want to see him like that. I don't wish for anything from him except...himself. I'm drawn to Sigurd as he is, not as he could be. I want to see what I can be with him at my side. I want the chance to find out whether I have it in me to change - to allow him in so close as to see and know everything that I am. I've never wanted to do that for anyone, until now. There are even things I withhold from Wyatt, because as a friend and swordbrother he still wouldn't understand. Could Sigurd be the one to tap into that hidden part of me?
He's already got me thinking things I'm not used to. Doing things...god, if I don't finish this scarf before he makes up his mind and casts me aside, I'll feel ten times the fool. Love is already making a complete fool out of me, it'll be worse if it comes to nothing. Lying here at night thinking that he could be out there taking romantic walks with her while I'm alone is torturing me. But I can't do much more - that hike to the infirmary to check on Kyle took a lot out of me. I'm not ready for anything more, yet. I'm trapped here, at the mercy of Sigurd's decision to continue looking after me, stealing that hour or two of his day. I have to be content with it, or else risk straining my injuries just to fight on a level battlefield.
Is it wrong to find my feelings inspiring me the way battle usually does? Is that pathetic, or just...a natural extension of myself?
I don't want to push him...but looking at this page, it seems there's a lot I need to tell him. Perhaps when he next comes. The two of us are rather comfortable talking about nearly everything together, it shouldn't be that difficult to broach the subject. I just don't want him to feel like I'm pressuring him. And while he seems to relax considerably and forget all about how much pain he's in when I simply touch him, or lie beside him, even chastely...I can't keep distracting him that way. It's a short-term solution.
No, these words on the page don't make me feel any better. There is literally nothing I can do. I guess I'll go pick up my knitting and try to finish that scarf instead. I'm almost done.
If I fail...I don't know what I'll do.
No one has ever warmed my heart the way he does. He makes me want to reach out to him, rather than push him away and wrap myself tighter in the safe confines of the walls I've built around myself. I know I'm at a disadvantage. Bernadette is safe, stable, predictable, staid. And a woman. I'm rough, dark, not even sure of myself, and a man. I can't give him a family. I can only give him myself, the good and the bad. But sometimes I wonder. I don't know the woman all that well, just that she needles him often about his line of work. Sigurd may be a kind man but he's a pirate - it's as ingrained in him as being a mercenary is in me. I wonder if she'd ask him to give it up - and if she did, what would he do? Would he change something so fundamental about him? I don't think I would want to see him like that. I don't wish for anything from him except...himself. I'm drawn to Sigurd as he is, not as he could be. I want to see what I can be with him at my side. I want the chance to find out whether I have it in me to change - to allow him in so close as to see and know everything that I am. I've never wanted to do that for anyone, until now. There are even things I withhold from Wyatt, because as a friend and swordbrother he still wouldn't understand. Could Sigurd be the one to tap into that hidden part of me?
He's already got me thinking things I'm not used to. Doing things...god, if I don't finish this scarf before he makes up his mind and casts me aside, I'll feel ten times the fool. Love is already making a complete fool out of me, it'll be worse if it comes to nothing. Lying here at night thinking that he could be out there taking romantic walks with her while I'm alone is torturing me. But I can't do much more - that hike to the infirmary to check on Kyle took a lot out of me. I'm not ready for anything more, yet. I'm trapped here, at the mercy of Sigurd's decision to continue looking after me, stealing that hour or two of his day. I have to be content with it, or else risk straining my injuries just to fight on a level battlefield.
Is it wrong to find my feelings inspiring me the way battle usually does? Is that pathetic, or just...a natural extension of myself?
I don't want to push him...but looking at this page, it seems there's a lot I need to tell him. Perhaps when he next comes. The two of us are rather comfortable talking about nearly everything together, it shouldn't be that difficult to broach the subject. I just don't want him to feel like I'm pressuring him. And while he seems to relax considerably and forget all about how much pain he's in when I simply touch him, or lie beside him, even chastely...I can't keep distracting him that way. It's a short-term solution.
No, these words on the page don't make me feel any better. There is literally nothing I can do. I guess I'll go pick up my knitting and try to finish that scarf instead. I'm almost done.
ooc
Re: ooc
He'll regret it someday. Or else turn into a poet. One of the two.
Re: ooc
OOC