Geddoe (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
trueltning_fury) wrote2008-02-15 05:47 pm
trueltning_fury) wrote2008-02-15 05:47 pm
Prose log with Sigurd
Who: Geddoe trueltning_fury and Sigurd pirate_sigurd
When: evening of the 13th, after the mess with Bernadette (slight backdate)
Where: mostly Geddoe's room
What: Sigurd gets Geddoe to his room, and there is much angst, in which we find out a few things about each man and their relationship to each other
Warnings: mild - a little language and some adult topics
trueltning_fury and Sigurd pirate_sigurdWhen: evening of the 13th, after the mess with Bernadette (slight backdate)
Where: mostly Geddoe's room
What: Sigurd gets Geddoe to his room, and there is much angst, in which we find out a few things about each man and their relationship to each other
Warnings: mild - a little language and some adult topics
Well after dark, when the halls of Budehuc quieted of traffic and the infirmary became the abode of sleeping patients, Geddoe still lay awake, though not because he anticipated being finally released from captivity. He had a lot on his mind, and it took hours for him to consider what he ought to actually say to Sigurd when the man came to help him as promised.
Sigurd entered the infirmary with heavy steps. He sort of dreaded this...after all that had happened, and Geddoe's true feelings finally coming to surface, he knew this would not be a pleasant evening by any means. And then there was the question of Sigurd's own internal conflict...and thus far only Hervey knew of that.
Though he heard the steps and instantly identified them as not belonging to the staff on duty, Geddoe kept his head turned to the side and his eye half-closed, stupidly hoping that it would give the impression that he was just waking up. For once, being a warrior failed him - he couldn't make the first move.
"So...are you ready?" Sigurd stated plainly and with as little emotion as he could manage.
Geddoe finally turned his head and looked up. "As I'll ever be," he replied gruffly. "I want out of this place." He pushed himself up onto one elbow, wincing a little. "...thanks. For...helping me."
Sigurd moved quickly to take Geddoe's arm and wrap it around his neck. He steadied the man and hoisted Geddoe up, taking care to not disturb his lingering injuries. He did not address what the other man said...he simply acted.
For a moment the room swam, as Geddoe adjusted to finally being completely on his feet after nearly two weeks, but it passed and he took a breath. In preparation for this, he had gotten someone to gather most of his things. "Do you think...you can grab my sword...and gloves?" he murmured, already winded just by standing. "Leave...the leather. Someone can come back for it later."
"Fair enough, sir," Sigurd said, taking the objects from the night stand and placing them securely in his belt. He then began to shift his movement forward, out of the infirmary and into the hallway. Once again, he was choosing to stay silent when he could manage to do so.
I deserve that, Geddoe thought to himself, catching Sigurd's address to him. But right now, he had to concentrate on putting one foot in front of the other, leaning more on Sigurd than he wanted to, realizing that he wasn't as healed as he hoped. Thankfully, they could take the elevator down one floor, but it would still be a long hike onto the ship.
It was damn near suffocating, not talking like this...And it was slow moving as well, given he was supporting a good portion of Geddoe's weight. There were a lot of things he wanted to say, but could not. The words simply refused to come to him..
It seemed like forever before the barely-lit passageway opened out onto the deck of the ship, where only one lamp gleamed to allow the residents of the rooms there to find their way. By this time, Geddoe was panting with the strain not only of exertion, but of the heavy silence between them. He would have said something, anything, to break it, but he didn't have the breath for it.
"Here we are," Sigurd said, arriving in front of the room he knew to be Geddoe's, ill-occupied for two weeks almost. It would either end here, or just become even worse...either way... "Shall I leave you now? I am willing to bet you need rest," was all he could manage.
Geddoe considered taking the opening to avoid all of this further, but if there was one thing he hated, it was damaging a perfectly good friendship. "No..." he said. "We need to talk. If you'll come in," he added, opening the door and nearly falling inside.
Sigurd, of course, still kept his hands on Geddoe to ease his motion, He set the gloves and sword down on the desk as they passed it and walked Geddoe over to the bed, gently laying him down and letting out a sigh. He pulled a chair up to the bed and sat himself down, expecting the worse.
After a hike like that, it was heaven to be lying down again, but Geddoe only gave himself a moment to enjoy it before propping himself up to handle what was surely not going to be fun. "First of all," he said quietly, "I owe you an apology. For my behavior, earlier."
Sigurd paused a long moment before drawing in a breath and speaking, quietly and calmly. Or at least as much as he could manage. "You needn't apologize...given how you feel, that reaction is perfectly understandable..."
Geddoe shook his shaggy head. "It was a juvenile way to react, for someone my age. You'd think I'd know better by now." He lowered his gaze contritely. "I'm sorry if I made you uncomfortable."
"Heh...and I have no right to lecture you...I passed out after...well...that," Sigurd chuckled morbidly.
"That...shouldn't matter." Geddoe kept his good eye focused on the rune on the back of his hand as he muttered the apology he had been mulling over for hours. "I have no right to lay claim to you. You're perfectly capable of choosing your own...companions. You did nothing to deserve me acting jealous like some teenager."
"Geddoe, I...," and now came the hard part...how can Sigurd explain something to Geddoe that he didn't understand himself? The words failed him each time he tried. There was nothing he could say...nothing at all...
Geddoe shook his head as if to stop Sigurd from trying to say something comforting, something that would dismiss his shameful reaction. "It's all right," he assured. "It isn't the first time I've...been...interested...in a man who doesn't - couldn't - reciprocate."
That wasn't true though...That wasn't true at all. "When I kissed Bernadette...when I finally got all of that off of my chest, it felt right....and...," the words weren't coming. What should he do?
Geddoe winced, and not from the lingering stitch in his chest. "Sigurd...please. I don't need to hear about that. If you aren't interested in men, it's all right - it's not a character flaw. You don't have to justify it to me," he stammered.
Well...words failed him completely. All that was left were actions. And he had to make Geddoe understand...so just maybe Sigurd's next movement would help him do so. And hopefully, this time, he wouldn't pass out. Drawing in a breath, Sigurd leaned over to Geddoe, cupped his face in his hands, and kissed him tenderly on the lips...
Geddoe froze, confused and troubled. The brush of lips on his was very soft, and he wanted desperately to give in and respond, but he pulled back with a gasp. "Don't," he murmured, though he couldn't go anywhere - trapped half-sitting on his bed with Sigurd's hands - warm, stable hands - on his face.
"...and that felt right, too...Geddoe...," Sigurd said, his face as soft and vulnerable as Geddoe had likely ever seen it.
Completely flustered, Geddoe sat still for a long moment, heat flushing his face and spreading to the rest of his body. When he could catch his breath and find the words he'd dropped somewhere around his toes, he had to ask, "What do you mean? Do you..."
"I...I love you...both of you...," he said, knowing full well those words made no sense. Like Hervey said, not only had he only known the two of them for four months or so, it was impossible to love more than one person like that at once. And yet...that was the only way he knew to describe it.
"But..." Nothing made sense, now, and the blood rushing to his head made it hard for Geddoe to think. "How can you say that, when...?" He shook his head free of Sigurd's hands and pushed himself the rest of the way up, so they could at least sit face to face and clear this up. "This isn't right..."
Sigurd sank a bit, knowing full well that what Geddoe said was true...but at least he understood the situation Sigurd was in now. "So...do you see? Do you see while this is so hard for me...it was easier when I felt like you didn't feel the same..."
"But...are you sure, Sigurd?" Geddoe didn't know what else to be most concerned about. "This isn't some...infatuation brought on by having to take care of me while I'm injured?" He absently rubbed at his bandaged chest, now covered beneath his ragged shirt.
"Heh...I find I felt this way even before then...the recent events have only made those feelings stronger," Sigurd laughed morbidly, feeling the fool.
Geddoe blinked. "Oh," he breathed, quietly. "Then...I see." He lowered his head, finding it so hard to face that gentle look of Sigurd's. "The same could be said for me. Though...I don't think I realized the...strength of my own feelings, until the sudden wave of jealousy," he mumbled ashamedly.
"I see...well...then I suppose this is really all my fault then...I had no intention of pursuing you in spite of my feelings because I thought you did not feel the same about me...I was convinced you were a man who needed no one else, and that I was merely a threat to your solitude...," Sigurd sighed heavily.
"It's no one's fault," Geddoe said instantly, sighing. "Or else it's both our faults. For being stubborn men who can't admit to anything." He set a hand on Sigurd's knee, but it was more for support, and in a friendly sense, than anything overt. "I took you at your word, that you truly weren't interested in relationships. And if you were, I still took you for straight." His voice quieted. "....solitude can be overrated sometimes."
"It took people from 200 years past my own time to make me want for that sort of companionship...so I can't say our situations are too different...," Sigurd chuckled dryly.
"Mutual confusion," Geddoe said with the same dry humor. "That's not going to get us very far."
"So what do we do now? Do we go on pretending none of this happened?" Sigurd said, his face growing that much more serious.
Geddoe lifted his head, feeling the man deserved a look in the eye, and felt his face flushing again with the thought of the lips against his. "I don't know if I can," he murmured. "Avoiding it got me into this mess. But..." His brow furrowed. "I don't know if I can stomach being ...one of two."
"I know...it's not fair to either of you...I have no idea what I truly want...I'm an idiot...," Sigurd cursed himself, his fists clutching as he tried to fight off less controllable emotions.
Geddoe reached out to him, curling a hand around his neck in order to cup his cheek and keep him from looking away. "Don't be so hard on yourself," he said quietly. "I've been saying the same things to myself all day, ever since..."
It was very difficult for a 28-year-old sea-hardened former-naval-brat-turned-pirate to become overwhelmed with emotion. Sigurd was a man who prided himself on being able to remain calm in just about any and every situation. It was so rare to see him just...burst...but that's what he did. Sigurd burst. His tears began to flow freely and he no longer had any clue what to say or do. He was a wreck.
Startled, Geddoe sat there for a moment, unsure what to do. It wasn't that he'd never been around a crying man before, but usually someone's death was involved. Despite his tendency toward aloofness, and his confusion, he hitched forward on the bed toward Sigurd and placed his hands on the man's shoulders, drawing him in close until their foreheads touched. He hoped, privately, that it would be enough, for he didn't know what to say.
Slowly, Sigurd wrapped his arms around the other man and continued his foolish carrying on. He hated himself, he hated himself for being a fool and for hurting Geddoe. When it all came down to it, he really did love them both...but it seemed he was destined to hurt either one or both of them. And how do you choose something like that?
Geddoe held him silently, letting the tears soak the collar of his shirt. He may not have known how to comfort, very well, but this seemed right - moreso than crooning foolish nothings at him. Whatever he felt he needed to say could wait until Sigurd calmed down - until he let it all out.
"I'm so sorry...I'm sorry you’re the one that had to be hurt...," Sigurd said through his now heavy breaths. Most of the tears had passed, but he still looked like hell.
Geddoe left one big, rough hand resting on the back of Sigurd's neck in comfort. "You didn't know," he assured. "Nobody knew." He sighed ruefully. "...and this is why I've avoided falling in love for nearly a century. This isn't easy for either of us."
"But...you didn't deserve this...you deserved to be happy," Sigurd shook his head, not wanting to so readily accept these words.
“Sigurd…” Geddoe couldn’t help but chuckle very slightly. “Do you think I’ve ever been happy? I’ve always thought…such a thing just…wasn’t in the cards for me. Ever. I’m not…” The brief flash of sarcastic humor ebbed away, leaving him as sullen as before. “I’m not good for anyone. I can’t be…soft, or affectionate, or sweet, anything like that. I’m cold and hard…and a coward.”
"Like I'm any different...what you're seeing right now? This never happens...I can think of maybe two people that have seen me like this...and that was ages ago," Sigurd remarked, of course thinking of Hervey and Kika, his only real "family" since he left the navy.
"I know. I figured," Geddoe said, the low tone of his voice almost sounding like a gentle purr. "You don't have to worry. Your secret is safe with me. Whatever we decide to spill to each other...won't leave this room."
"Won't leave this room, eh...heh...," Sigurd chuckled to himself. What about those words...seemed so tempting to him?
"You deserve honesty," Geddoe continued, not really catching the humor in it. "Even if I have to dig deep to be able to explain...why I am the way I am. If that matters. Why...I never thought you would want me as anything but a friend."
"You don't need to explain yourself...but...I'll listen if you want to talk," Sigurd said softly, feeling much more at ease now that he had gotten all of that emotion out of his system.
Geddoe breathed a pained sigh. He didn't necessarily want to talk, but he felt, at this point, that he owed Sigurd a realistic glimpse into his life - what really lay hidden behind the stoic frown and captainly manner. That is, if Geddoe himself could figure it out. "I'm a coward," he said again. "I'm afraid to let anyone close because...at best, I'll outlive them, and at worst...they could die if someone came after me. I can't do that to another person."
Sigurd...understood, really. He had sensed such an attitude in Lucas before. That fear of strong relationships with anyone that wasn't...well...that wasn't like them. It made sense, in the end. He nodded to signify his comprehension.
"Even so..." The way his thoughts contradicted themselves made Geddoe want to hit something. Preferably the wall. "The more time I spend around people, the more I regret having to make that choice. It may be the right one, but there are times...when I just want to forget it." He gave Sigurd an honest, but solemn, look. "So all I've ever filled my life with is meaningless, impersonal...encounters. Things I can flee easily from and not regret. That's easier to do when you work alone."
"Well...it seems to me that your comrades in arms are pretty wise to your condition," Sigurd said, leaning back in his chair slightly and taking in a deep breath. "And...I guess the problem with us is that we got attached...heh...I wonder how it would have been different...," he said, those words sounding a bit odd coming out.
"The 12th?" Geddoe raised an eyebrow. "They didn't know about the rune until the war. They'd been running with me for years and never knew. I've had this view of life...since the first war." He shook his head, having had quite enough of introspection. "It doesn't surprise me that you and I...well. If there's one thing I respect and admire, it's a fellow swordsman. I can easily throw away something I don't respect." Then he added, more quietly, "....unlike you."
"I see...I suppose that makes things more difficult for you," Sigurd sighed, turning over the words in his head. "There's not many ways it could have been different...we got this close, and we couldn't just toss each other aside at the first signs, even if they were dangerous..."
Geddoe clasped his hands in his lap and stared at them. "And how were either of us to know that it wasn't merely...a close friendship developing? Until tonight, each thought the other didn't share his feelings..." His eye drifted closed. "And now...I don't know if I want to stop it."
"...I don't know if I do either, but...someone's going to get hurt...," Sigurd said, his reasoning and his desires clashing like mad in his mind.
"As will you." Geddoe remained poised just like that, hands clasped, eyes closed. His voice came heavy and low. "You're better off with her, Sigurd. I'm no good for you."
"And do you think I'm any good for her? A pirate and a naval officer? ...or that I'm any good for you, for that matter...," More confusion...great, just what he needed.
"I don't want to give up, but it's...logical," Geddoe complained, finally looking up. "I can't be for you what she can. I can't give you stability, or a family, or any of those things you might want..." He caught himself, and backtracked. "...if you want those things..."
"Well, having seen what happened to the Pirate's Nest...I've often worried about my legacy. About the loss of what Lady Kika truly fought for...," Sigurd heaved a sigh, "But...I wonder...if just for one night...," was he saying what he thought he was? His words and mind were not keeping up with each other anymore...
"No. Stop right there," Geddoe said sternly. "If I wanted just one night, I have plenty of options - people I can use and discard for the sake of passion. I can't..." His right hand clenched into a fist. "....I can't do that to you. I..." The word caught in his mouth, but he forced it out. "...care about you too much."
"No one said anything about discarding, but there is tension here, and we need to kill it one way or another. So...I suppose I'm just being foolish again," he sighed, realizing how juvenile he was being at that moment.
"I don't think that's the right way," Geddoe sighed, reluctantly. He tried to diffuse it with a chuckle. "Besides. I'm injured."
Sigurd returned the chuckle, "You don't think I'm the gentle sort? I don't know if I should be flattered or offended," he laughed lightly.
"Well," Geddoe started to retort, but the images that flashed to his mind turned him bright red, and he coughed a little. "Uh...Sigurd..."
"I know, I know, I'm not helping with the temptation, but I would have you know that in spite of my previous convictions I DO have some experience and I like things nice and easy," he said, not even balking at his own statements. He was feeling comfortable again... and that was all he really wanted.
"Be that as it may..." Geddoe gritted his teeth and shook off the salacious thoughts. "It's only avoiding the real issue. I don't think...I could give you only one night. When I already know that I've got deeper feelings for you...such a thing would only increase the tension, not solve it."
"If you say so," Sigurd said with a bit of reluctance. Why was he even thinking like this? Perhaps it was because it was nightfall, and they were alone for the first time since Sigurd got back. It was bit odd, really...all of those thoughts and emotions had been laid bare to each other, and yet this was all he could think about. Heh...he felt like an idiot. For different reasons, though, this time.
Geddoe could hear the note in his voice. "What?" he asked suspiciously. "You want me that badly?"
"Ah...," Sigurd stammered, not able to easily answer that question. Yes? No? Maybe? What on earth was really on his mind and why was it that his mouth could run one moment and then be silence the next?
Geddoe arched his eyebrow again. He may have been a stranger to emotion, but this was something he'd faced before. Sometimes accepted, sometimes rejected. This time, though... "I can't say yes, if it's only so you - and I - can avoid feeling anything. I've had eighty years of that, and this time...no. This time I'm not going to do it."
Oh thank god. A no is exactly what his mind needed to hear. "Good...because I'm not nearly as wise on such matters as you are," he said, sighing a bit in relief.
That made Geddoe laugh outright - a hollow, dark laugh that he instantly regretted by the pain in his chest. "Wise," he coughed. "I don't think so..."
"Wise enough to know that a firm no is all I needed to hear," Sigurd said, chuckling alongside him.
Geddoe held a hand to his chest, grimacing painfully. "I thought it was a little...odd, even for tonight, for you to throw yourself at me like that." He shook his head slowly. "I do find you attractive, Sigurd, and...maybe someday. But..."
"But...I should focus on what I have first...and Geddoe, don't close yourself off because of this. Who knows what the future holds, right?" he said, trying to remain as positive as he could for his friend and would-be lover.
"I didn't say that." Geddoe sighed hard, his head drooping. "You're making that choice, then. I...can't say I'm not disappointed. I..." It was his turn for words to fail. He just looked away, clenching his hand weakly on the blanket.
"Which is why I suppose I just wanted one night, heh...just for the sake of my own memories," Sigurd chuckled dryly.
Crushed, Geddoe turned away, pulling back the blanket as if to lie down but not doing so just yet. "Trade one night with me for...my letting you go?" he murmured mostly to himself. "What kind of a deal is that?"
"A selfish and stupid one that would only cause more pain in the end," Sigurd answered with no hesitation. He was sure of it now...he was sure that anything he did with Geddoe would only further damage an already delicate situation.
Geddoe covered his face with one hand. "Then go," he said sullenly. "Before I change my mind and grab at my only chance to share anything with you..."
...Now why did he have to go and say that? Why did he have to bring all of that temptation back? Sigurd was supposed to be behaving like a grown man here! Not some under-sexed teenage boy! So why was it so hard...to leave?
It wasn't hard to notice that Sigurd was still sitting there, even with his hand covering half his face. Geddoe shifted him the slightest look. "What?"
"Oh!" Sigurd snapped to attention, drawn out of his cycle of thought by Geddoe's words. "Nothing, I just...," was tempting fate, was what he wanted to say. Dangerous things...things pirates typically enjoy...and something he was really better off NOT delving into.
"You can tell me," Geddoe decided to say, even though he wasn't sure he wanted to hear it. He was already feeling rather wretched, what was one more knife to the heart? "It won't leave the room - remember."
"You have...no idea how tempted I am to give you that chance...even if I know it's selfish and stupid and will only do more harm than good...call it the pirate in me," Sigurd chuckled nervously, his cheeks tinting a rather deep red.
Feeling very tired and bruised by his emotions, Geddoe laid down and rolled onto his side so he was facing away from Sigurd. "Then we're at a stalemate," he said over his shoulder. "We both want it, and we both know it's a bad idea at the same time. Despite my past and my fears, I want more than one night from you. It doesn't look like there's any way to solve this."
"Damnit...," Sigurd sighed, finally finding the strength to get to his feet and begin an attempt at walking away.
"But if you leave now," Geddoe added, unable to control himself, "you'll find it a lot harder to come back."
...Shit...And with that, Sigurd lost the last of his resolve and moved to the bed, kissing Geddoe with all of the strained passion he had built up over the last four months. And even though his kiss was strong and wanting, his arms were gentle as he promised, moving to Geddoe's shoulders.
The decision to stop thinking and start simply feeling never tasted so good. Geddoe hungrily returned the kiss, just as fervently, though his body tensed out of fear that it was going to be strained by the physical activity. Yet, Sigurd wasn't quite on top of him...yet.
He'd regret this. He knew he would, but those thoughts had moved so far from his mind that, in the heat of the moment, he simply stopped caring. His body was too hungry for him to control, and without even knowing it he had crawled on top of the other man, the snaps on the collar of his coat already loose.
Geddoe slid his hand inside the high collar of Sigurd's coat and caressed his neck, kissing until he had to stop for breath. This was going to be far more difficult than he had expected, but the lightning in his soul moved too fast to care. At least, until one wrong shift made him bite back a yelp of pain.
"Sorry," Sigurd whispered, mostly for the damage he likely caused physically, but also because this was not going to end well for them in the long run. He moved his kisses to Geddoe's chin, moving down to his throat.
The kisses were delightful, and his body flushed hot in anticipation, but Geddoe couldn't help but feel it was wrong - all wrong. He wanted it, but he respected Sigurd too much to send him down the same path as...all the others. It was very hard, especially when the kisses reached the hollow of his throat and left him gasping, but Geddoe forced himself to place a hand on Sigurd's cheek. "No," he breathed. "Stop."
Stop...right...stop...he had almost made what could have been his biggest mistake yet. He was panting heavily as he thought the urge to continue, but hearing Geddoe command him to stop was different. It really did get him all the way to the heart. Something he hadn't been using...this was all lust.
Geddoe brushed his fingers along Sigurd's cheek, trying to hold his attention. "Sigurd...I'm sorry..."
Sigurd was still breathing heavily when he let out a light, forlorn laugh. "No...no, I should be sorry...I'm the one that made the first move...," he panted.
"Well...it was a bit of a surprise..." With Sigurd's face so close to him, Geddoe couldn't resist simply...touching him, running his thumb along the young man's lips. A small gesture, but hopefully a more intimate one than what they had nearly done. "A compromise," he said, then, out of the blue.
"A compromise?" Sigurd asked, raising an eyebrow.
Geddoe's gaze softened, though he didn't know what he was feeling to make it so. "Stay with me," he said quietly, "but...only to keep me warm. Nothing else. At least..." He tried to look hopeful. "...not this time?"
"For the night?" Sigurd asked, almost pensively.
"Yeah." Now that he had him, more or less in his arms, Geddoe was very reluctant to let him go. "Let the future...take care of itself. There's no need to make decisions now."
"Right...," Sigurd nodded, a relaxed smile forming on his face as he eased himself down, snuggling against the older man tenderly and tucking his head into the little space between his chin and chest...felt like a perfect fit for him.
Geddoe pried his arm out from under Sigurd and draped it around his shoulders, finding a comfortable position in which to hold him. The raging pulse within was slowly subsiding, now that it had been thwarted, but he felt he had control over it again, at least. He rested his cheek against the top of Sigurd's head and breathed a short sigh. "I can't reach the blanket with you on top of me, though," he murmured.
Sigurd blindly fumbled about with his free arm and grabbed the comforter to pull over the both of them, grunting as he did so. He could get used to this, sharing a bed with someone...it felt rather nice.
Wrapped in a warm cocoon at last, most of which came from Sigurd, Geddoe closed his eye. The silence that fell around them was comforting after all of that, but he had to break it one last time. "Sigurd?"
"Yeah?" Sigurd said sleepily, the fatigue of his emotional storm finally catching up with him.
"Would you take one piece of advice from me?"
"And what's that?" Sigurd said, receptive to this as Geddoe's advice had managed to keep him from making too many mistakes so far.
Geddoe almost hated to say it, but... "Don't force yourself to decide between...me and her, just yet," he said. "There's no law that says you can't court us both."
That...wasn't exactly what he WANTED to hear, but...it was definitely what he needed. To make decisions in haste right now would to be just doing damage to both of them. And the last thing he wanted to do was cause either of them anymore pain than he already may potentially have done.
With Sigurd's collar undone, it was easy for Geddoe to lazily stroke the back of his neck as they both settled down to sleep. "All right?" he prompted, just to make sure his advice was received.
Sigurd silently nodded, his next breath shuddering slightly from the feeling on his neck. Oh yes...this was nice...he wondered if Bernadette would be the same way...
Geddoe felt the whiff of breath along his collarbone and chuckled tiredly. "All right, then. Sleep well...Sig."
Sigurd entered the infirmary with heavy steps. He sort of dreaded this...after all that had happened, and Geddoe's true feelings finally coming to surface, he knew this would not be a pleasant evening by any means. And then there was the question of Sigurd's own internal conflict...and thus far only Hervey knew of that.
Though he heard the steps and instantly identified them as not belonging to the staff on duty, Geddoe kept his head turned to the side and his eye half-closed, stupidly hoping that it would give the impression that he was just waking up. For once, being a warrior failed him - he couldn't make the first move.
"So...are you ready?" Sigurd stated plainly and with as little emotion as he could manage.
Geddoe finally turned his head and looked up. "As I'll ever be," he replied gruffly. "I want out of this place." He pushed himself up onto one elbow, wincing a little. "...thanks. For...helping me."
Sigurd moved quickly to take Geddoe's arm and wrap it around his neck. He steadied the man and hoisted Geddoe up, taking care to not disturb his lingering injuries. He did not address what the other man said...he simply acted.
For a moment the room swam, as Geddoe adjusted to finally being completely on his feet after nearly two weeks, but it passed and he took a breath. In preparation for this, he had gotten someone to gather most of his things. "Do you think...you can grab my sword...and gloves?" he murmured, already winded just by standing. "Leave...the leather. Someone can come back for it later."
"Fair enough, sir," Sigurd said, taking the objects from the night stand and placing them securely in his belt. He then began to shift his movement forward, out of the infirmary and into the hallway. Once again, he was choosing to stay silent when he could manage to do so.
I deserve that, Geddoe thought to himself, catching Sigurd's address to him. But right now, he had to concentrate on putting one foot in front of the other, leaning more on Sigurd than he wanted to, realizing that he wasn't as healed as he hoped. Thankfully, they could take the elevator down one floor, but it would still be a long hike onto the ship.
It was damn near suffocating, not talking like this...And it was slow moving as well, given he was supporting a good portion of Geddoe's weight. There were a lot of things he wanted to say, but could not. The words simply refused to come to him..
It seemed like forever before the barely-lit passageway opened out onto the deck of the ship, where only one lamp gleamed to allow the residents of the rooms there to find their way. By this time, Geddoe was panting with the strain not only of exertion, but of the heavy silence between them. He would have said something, anything, to break it, but he didn't have the breath for it.
"Here we are," Sigurd said, arriving in front of the room he knew to be Geddoe's, ill-occupied for two weeks almost. It would either end here, or just become even worse...either way... "Shall I leave you now? I am willing to bet you need rest," was all he could manage.
Geddoe considered taking the opening to avoid all of this further, but if there was one thing he hated, it was damaging a perfectly good friendship. "No..." he said. "We need to talk. If you'll come in," he added, opening the door and nearly falling inside.
Sigurd, of course, still kept his hands on Geddoe to ease his motion, He set the gloves and sword down on the desk as they passed it and walked Geddoe over to the bed, gently laying him down and letting out a sigh. He pulled a chair up to the bed and sat himself down, expecting the worse.
After a hike like that, it was heaven to be lying down again, but Geddoe only gave himself a moment to enjoy it before propping himself up to handle what was surely not going to be fun. "First of all," he said quietly, "I owe you an apology. For my behavior, earlier."
Sigurd paused a long moment before drawing in a breath and speaking, quietly and calmly. Or at least as much as he could manage. "You needn't apologize...given how you feel, that reaction is perfectly understandable..."
Geddoe shook his shaggy head. "It was a juvenile way to react, for someone my age. You'd think I'd know better by now." He lowered his gaze contritely. "I'm sorry if I made you uncomfortable."
"Heh...and I have no right to lecture you...I passed out after...well...that," Sigurd chuckled morbidly.
"That...shouldn't matter." Geddoe kept his good eye focused on the rune on the back of his hand as he muttered the apology he had been mulling over for hours. "I have no right to lay claim to you. You're perfectly capable of choosing your own...companions. You did nothing to deserve me acting jealous like some teenager."
"Geddoe, I...," and now came the hard part...how can Sigurd explain something to Geddoe that he didn't understand himself? The words failed him each time he tried. There was nothing he could say...nothing at all...
Geddoe shook his head as if to stop Sigurd from trying to say something comforting, something that would dismiss his shameful reaction. "It's all right," he assured. "It isn't the first time I've...been...interested...in a man who doesn't - couldn't - reciprocate."
That wasn't true though...That wasn't true at all. "When I kissed Bernadette...when I finally got all of that off of my chest, it felt right....and...," the words weren't coming. What should he do?
Geddoe winced, and not from the lingering stitch in his chest. "Sigurd...please. I don't need to hear about that. If you aren't interested in men, it's all right - it's not a character flaw. You don't have to justify it to me," he stammered.
Well...words failed him completely. All that was left were actions. And he had to make Geddoe understand...so just maybe Sigurd's next movement would help him do so. And hopefully, this time, he wouldn't pass out. Drawing in a breath, Sigurd leaned over to Geddoe, cupped his face in his hands, and kissed him tenderly on the lips...
Geddoe froze, confused and troubled. The brush of lips on his was very soft, and he wanted desperately to give in and respond, but he pulled back with a gasp. "Don't," he murmured, though he couldn't go anywhere - trapped half-sitting on his bed with Sigurd's hands - warm, stable hands - on his face.
"...and that felt right, too...Geddoe...," Sigurd said, his face as soft and vulnerable as Geddoe had likely ever seen it.
Completely flustered, Geddoe sat still for a long moment, heat flushing his face and spreading to the rest of his body. When he could catch his breath and find the words he'd dropped somewhere around his toes, he had to ask, "What do you mean? Do you..."
"I...I love you...both of you...," he said, knowing full well those words made no sense. Like Hervey said, not only had he only known the two of them for four months or so, it was impossible to love more than one person like that at once. And yet...that was the only way he knew to describe it.
"But..." Nothing made sense, now, and the blood rushing to his head made it hard for Geddoe to think. "How can you say that, when...?" He shook his head free of Sigurd's hands and pushed himself the rest of the way up, so they could at least sit face to face and clear this up. "This isn't right..."
Sigurd sank a bit, knowing full well that what Geddoe said was true...but at least he understood the situation Sigurd was in now. "So...do you see? Do you see while this is so hard for me...it was easier when I felt like you didn't feel the same..."
"But...are you sure, Sigurd?" Geddoe didn't know what else to be most concerned about. "This isn't some...infatuation brought on by having to take care of me while I'm injured?" He absently rubbed at his bandaged chest, now covered beneath his ragged shirt.
"Heh...I find I felt this way even before then...the recent events have only made those feelings stronger," Sigurd laughed morbidly, feeling the fool.
Geddoe blinked. "Oh," he breathed, quietly. "Then...I see." He lowered his head, finding it so hard to face that gentle look of Sigurd's. "The same could be said for me. Though...I don't think I realized the...strength of my own feelings, until the sudden wave of jealousy," he mumbled ashamedly.
"I see...well...then I suppose this is really all my fault then...I had no intention of pursuing you in spite of my feelings because I thought you did not feel the same about me...I was convinced you were a man who needed no one else, and that I was merely a threat to your solitude...," Sigurd sighed heavily.
"It's no one's fault," Geddoe said instantly, sighing. "Or else it's both our faults. For being stubborn men who can't admit to anything." He set a hand on Sigurd's knee, but it was more for support, and in a friendly sense, than anything overt. "I took you at your word, that you truly weren't interested in relationships. And if you were, I still took you for straight." His voice quieted. "....solitude can be overrated sometimes."
"It took people from 200 years past my own time to make me want for that sort of companionship...so I can't say our situations are too different...," Sigurd chuckled dryly.
"Mutual confusion," Geddoe said with the same dry humor. "That's not going to get us very far."
"So what do we do now? Do we go on pretending none of this happened?" Sigurd said, his face growing that much more serious.
Geddoe lifted his head, feeling the man deserved a look in the eye, and felt his face flushing again with the thought of the lips against his. "I don't know if I can," he murmured. "Avoiding it got me into this mess. But..." His brow furrowed. "I don't know if I can stomach being ...one of two."
"I know...it's not fair to either of you...I have no idea what I truly want...I'm an idiot...," Sigurd cursed himself, his fists clutching as he tried to fight off less controllable emotions.
Geddoe reached out to him, curling a hand around his neck in order to cup his cheek and keep him from looking away. "Don't be so hard on yourself," he said quietly. "I've been saying the same things to myself all day, ever since..."
It was very difficult for a 28-year-old sea-hardened former-naval-brat-turned-pirate to become overwhelmed with emotion. Sigurd was a man who prided himself on being able to remain calm in just about any and every situation. It was so rare to see him just...burst...but that's what he did. Sigurd burst. His tears began to flow freely and he no longer had any clue what to say or do. He was a wreck.
Startled, Geddoe sat there for a moment, unsure what to do. It wasn't that he'd never been around a crying man before, but usually someone's death was involved. Despite his tendency toward aloofness, and his confusion, he hitched forward on the bed toward Sigurd and placed his hands on the man's shoulders, drawing him in close until their foreheads touched. He hoped, privately, that it would be enough, for he didn't know what to say.
Slowly, Sigurd wrapped his arms around the other man and continued his foolish carrying on. He hated himself, he hated himself for being a fool and for hurting Geddoe. When it all came down to it, he really did love them both...but it seemed he was destined to hurt either one or both of them. And how do you choose something like that?
Geddoe held him silently, letting the tears soak the collar of his shirt. He may not have known how to comfort, very well, but this seemed right - moreso than crooning foolish nothings at him. Whatever he felt he needed to say could wait until Sigurd calmed down - until he let it all out.
"I'm so sorry...I'm sorry you’re the one that had to be hurt...," Sigurd said through his now heavy breaths. Most of the tears had passed, but he still looked like hell.
Geddoe left one big, rough hand resting on the back of Sigurd's neck in comfort. "You didn't know," he assured. "Nobody knew." He sighed ruefully. "...and this is why I've avoided falling in love for nearly a century. This isn't easy for either of us."
"But...you didn't deserve this...you deserved to be happy," Sigurd shook his head, not wanting to so readily accept these words.
“Sigurd…” Geddoe couldn’t help but chuckle very slightly. “Do you think I’ve ever been happy? I’ve always thought…such a thing just…wasn’t in the cards for me. Ever. I’m not…” The brief flash of sarcastic humor ebbed away, leaving him as sullen as before. “I’m not good for anyone. I can’t be…soft, or affectionate, or sweet, anything like that. I’m cold and hard…and a coward.”
"Like I'm any different...what you're seeing right now? This never happens...I can think of maybe two people that have seen me like this...and that was ages ago," Sigurd remarked, of course thinking of Hervey and Kika, his only real "family" since he left the navy.
"I know. I figured," Geddoe said, the low tone of his voice almost sounding like a gentle purr. "You don't have to worry. Your secret is safe with me. Whatever we decide to spill to each other...won't leave this room."
"Won't leave this room, eh...heh...," Sigurd chuckled to himself. What about those words...seemed so tempting to him?
"You deserve honesty," Geddoe continued, not really catching the humor in it. "Even if I have to dig deep to be able to explain...why I am the way I am. If that matters. Why...I never thought you would want me as anything but a friend."
"You don't need to explain yourself...but...I'll listen if you want to talk," Sigurd said softly, feeling much more at ease now that he had gotten all of that emotion out of his system.
Geddoe breathed a pained sigh. He didn't necessarily want to talk, but he felt, at this point, that he owed Sigurd a realistic glimpse into his life - what really lay hidden behind the stoic frown and captainly manner. That is, if Geddoe himself could figure it out. "I'm a coward," he said again. "I'm afraid to let anyone close because...at best, I'll outlive them, and at worst...they could die if someone came after me. I can't do that to another person."
Sigurd...understood, really. He had sensed such an attitude in Lucas before. That fear of strong relationships with anyone that wasn't...well...that wasn't like them. It made sense, in the end. He nodded to signify his comprehension.
"Even so..." The way his thoughts contradicted themselves made Geddoe want to hit something. Preferably the wall. "The more time I spend around people, the more I regret having to make that choice. It may be the right one, but there are times...when I just want to forget it." He gave Sigurd an honest, but solemn, look. "So all I've ever filled my life with is meaningless, impersonal...encounters. Things I can flee easily from and not regret. That's easier to do when you work alone."
"Well...it seems to me that your comrades in arms are pretty wise to your condition," Sigurd said, leaning back in his chair slightly and taking in a deep breath. "And...I guess the problem with us is that we got attached...heh...I wonder how it would have been different...," he said, those words sounding a bit odd coming out.
"The 12th?" Geddoe raised an eyebrow. "They didn't know about the rune until the war. They'd been running with me for years and never knew. I've had this view of life...since the first war." He shook his head, having had quite enough of introspection. "It doesn't surprise me that you and I...well. If there's one thing I respect and admire, it's a fellow swordsman. I can easily throw away something I don't respect." Then he added, more quietly, "....unlike you."
"I see...I suppose that makes things more difficult for you," Sigurd sighed, turning over the words in his head. "There's not many ways it could have been different...we got this close, and we couldn't just toss each other aside at the first signs, even if they were dangerous..."
Geddoe clasped his hands in his lap and stared at them. "And how were either of us to know that it wasn't merely...a close friendship developing? Until tonight, each thought the other didn't share his feelings..." His eye drifted closed. "And now...I don't know if I want to stop it."
"...I don't know if I do either, but...someone's going to get hurt...," Sigurd said, his reasoning and his desires clashing like mad in his mind.
"As will you." Geddoe remained poised just like that, hands clasped, eyes closed. His voice came heavy and low. "You're better off with her, Sigurd. I'm no good for you."
"And do you think I'm any good for her? A pirate and a naval officer? ...or that I'm any good for you, for that matter...," More confusion...great, just what he needed.
"I don't want to give up, but it's...logical," Geddoe complained, finally looking up. "I can't be for you what she can. I can't give you stability, or a family, or any of those things you might want..." He caught himself, and backtracked. "...if you want those things..."
"Well, having seen what happened to the Pirate's Nest...I've often worried about my legacy. About the loss of what Lady Kika truly fought for...," Sigurd heaved a sigh, "But...I wonder...if just for one night...," was he saying what he thought he was? His words and mind were not keeping up with each other anymore...
"No. Stop right there," Geddoe said sternly. "If I wanted just one night, I have plenty of options - people I can use and discard for the sake of passion. I can't..." His right hand clenched into a fist. "....I can't do that to you. I..." The word caught in his mouth, but he forced it out. "...care about you too much."
"No one said anything about discarding, but there is tension here, and we need to kill it one way or another. So...I suppose I'm just being foolish again," he sighed, realizing how juvenile he was being at that moment.
"I don't think that's the right way," Geddoe sighed, reluctantly. He tried to diffuse it with a chuckle. "Besides. I'm injured."
Sigurd returned the chuckle, "You don't think I'm the gentle sort? I don't know if I should be flattered or offended," he laughed lightly.
"Well," Geddoe started to retort, but the images that flashed to his mind turned him bright red, and he coughed a little. "Uh...Sigurd..."
"I know, I know, I'm not helping with the temptation, but I would have you know that in spite of my previous convictions I DO have some experience and I like things nice and easy," he said, not even balking at his own statements. He was feeling comfortable again... and that was all he really wanted.
"Be that as it may..." Geddoe gritted his teeth and shook off the salacious thoughts. "It's only avoiding the real issue. I don't think...I could give you only one night. When I already know that I've got deeper feelings for you...such a thing would only increase the tension, not solve it."
"If you say so," Sigurd said with a bit of reluctance. Why was he even thinking like this? Perhaps it was because it was nightfall, and they were alone for the first time since Sigurd got back. It was bit odd, really...all of those thoughts and emotions had been laid bare to each other, and yet this was all he could think about. Heh...he felt like an idiot. For different reasons, though, this time.
Geddoe could hear the note in his voice. "What?" he asked suspiciously. "You want me that badly?"
"Ah...," Sigurd stammered, not able to easily answer that question. Yes? No? Maybe? What on earth was really on his mind and why was it that his mouth could run one moment and then be silence the next?
Geddoe arched his eyebrow again. He may have been a stranger to emotion, but this was something he'd faced before. Sometimes accepted, sometimes rejected. This time, though... "I can't say yes, if it's only so you - and I - can avoid feeling anything. I've had eighty years of that, and this time...no. This time I'm not going to do it."
Oh thank god. A no is exactly what his mind needed to hear. "Good...because I'm not nearly as wise on such matters as you are," he said, sighing a bit in relief.
That made Geddoe laugh outright - a hollow, dark laugh that he instantly regretted by the pain in his chest. "Wise," he coughed. "I don't think so..."
"Wise enough to know that a firm no is all I needed to hear," Sigurd said, chuckling alongside him.
Geddoe held a hand to his chest, grimacing painfully. "I thought it was a little...odd, even for tonight, for you to throw yourself at me like that." He shook his head slowly. "I do find you attractive, Sigurd, and...maybe someday. But..."
"But...I should focus on what I have first...and Geddoe, don't close yourself off because of this. Who knows what the future holds, right?" he said, trying to remain as positive as he could for his friend and would-be lover.
"I didn't say that." Geddoe sighed hard, his head drooping. "You're making that choice, then. I...can't say I'm not disappointed. I..." It was his turn for words to fail. He just looked away, clenching his hand weakly on the blanket.
"Which is why I suppose I just wanted one night, heh...just for the sake of my own memories," Sigurd chuckled dryly.
Crushed, Geddoe turned away, pulling back the blanket as if to lie down but not doing so just yet. "Trade one night with me for...my letting you go?" he murmured mostly to himself. "What kind of a deal is that?"
"A selfish and stupid one that would only cause more pain in the end," Sigurd answered with no hesitation. He was sure of it now...he was sure that anything he did with Geddoe would only further damage an already delicate situation.
Geddoe covered his face with one hand. "Then go," he said sullenly. "Before I change my mind and grab at my only chance to share anything with you..."
...Now why did he have to go and say that? Why did he have to bring all of that temptation back? Sigurd was supposed to be behaving like a grown man here! Not some under-sexed teenage boy! So why was it so hard...to leave?
It wasn't hard to notice that Sigurd was still sitting there, even with his hand covering half his face. Geddoe shifted him the slightest look. "What?"
"Oh!" Sigurd snapped to attention, drawn out of his cycle of thought by Geddoe's words. "Nothing, I just...," was tempting fate, was what he wanted to say. Dangerous things...things pirates typically enjoy...and something he was really better off NOT delving into.
"You can tell me," Geddoe decided to say, even though he wasn't sure he wanted to hear it. He was already feeling rather wretched, what was one more knife to the heart? "It won't leave the room - remember."
"You have...no idea how tempted I am to give you that chance...even if I know it's selfish and stupid and will only do more harm than good...call it the pirate in me," Sigurd chuckled nervously, his cheeks tinting a rather deep red.
Feeling very tired and bruised by his emotions, Geddoe laid down and rolled onto his side so he was facing away from Sigurd. "Then we're at a stalemate," he said over his shoulder. "We both want it, and we both know it's a bad idea at the same time. Despite my past and my fears, I want more than one night from you. It doesn't look like there's any way to solve this."
"Damnit...," Sigurd sighed, finally finding the strength to get to his feet and begin an attempt at walking away.
"But if you leave now," Geddoe added, unable to control himself, "you'll find it a lot harder to come back."
...Shit...And with that, Sigurd lost the last of his resolve and moved to the bed, kissing Geddoe with all of the strained passion he had built up over the last four months. And even though his kiss was strong and wanting, his arms were gentle as he promised, moving to Geddoe's shoulders.
The decision to stop thinking and start simply feeling never tasted so good. Geddoe hungrily returned the kiss, just as fervently, though his body tensed out of fear that it was going to be strained by the physical activity. Yet, Sigurd wasn't quite on top of him...yet.
He'd regret this. He knew he would, but those thoughts had moved so far from his mind that, in the heat of the moment, he simply stopped caring. His body was too hungry for him to control, and without even knowing it he had crawled on top of the other man, the snaps on the collar of his coat already loose.
Geddoe slid his hand inside the high collar of Sigurd's coat and caressed his neck, kissing until he had to stop for breath. This was going to be far more difficult than he had expected, but the lightning in his soul moved too fast to care. At least, until one wrong shift made him bite back a yelp of pain.
"Sorry," Sigurd whispered, mostly for the damage he likely caused physically, but also because this was not going to end well for them in the long run. He moved his kisses to Geddoe's chin, moving down to his throat.
The kisses were delightful, and his body flushed hot in anticipation, but Geddoe couldn't help but feel it was wrong - all wrong. He wanted it, but he respected Sigurd too much to send him down the same path as...all the others. It was very hard, especially when the kisses reached the hollow of his throat and left him gasping, but Geddoe forced himself to place a hand on Sigurd's cheek. "No," he breathed. "Stop."
Stop...right...stop...he had almost made what could have been his biggest mistake yet. He was panting heavily as he thought the urge to continue, but hearing Geddoe command him to stop was different. It really did get him all the way to the heart. Something he hadn't been using...this was all lust.
Geddoe brushed his fingers along Sigurd's cheek, trying to hold his attention. "Sigurd...I'm sorry..."
Sigurd was still breathing heavily when he let out a light, forlorn laugh. "No...no, I should be sorry...I'm the one that made the first move...," he panted.
"Well...it was a bit of a surprise..." With Sigurd's face so close to him, Geddoe couldn't resist simply...touching him, running his thumb along the young man's lips. A small gesture, but hopefully a more intimate one than what they had nearly done. "A compromise," he said, then, out of the blue.
"A compromise?" Sigurd asked, raising an eyebrow.
Geddoe's gaze softened, though he didn't know what he was feeling to make it so. "Stay with me," he said quietly, "but...only to keep me warm. Nothing else. At least..." He tried to look hopeful. "...not this time?"
"For the night?" Sigurd asked, almost pensively.
"Yeah." Now that he had him, more or less in his arms, Geddoe was very reluctant to let him go. "Let the future...take care of itself. There's no need to make decisions now."
"Right...," Sigurd nodded, a relaxed smile forming on his face as he eased himself down, snuggling against the older man tenderly and tucking his head into the little space between his chin and chest...felt like a perfect fit for him.
Geddoe pried his arm out from under Sigurd and draped it around his shoulders, finding a comfortable position in which to hold him. The raging pulse within was slowly subsiding, now that it had been thwarted, but he felt he had control over it again, at least. He rested his cheek against the top of Sigurd's head and breathed a short sigh. "I can't reach the blanket with you on top of me, though," he murmured.
Sigurd blindly fumbled about with his free arm and grabbed the comforter to pull over the both of them, grunting as he did so. He could get used to this, sharing a bed with someone...it felt rather nice.
Wrapped in a warm cocoon at last, most of which came from Sigurd, Geddoe closed his eye. The silence that fell around them was comforting after all of that, but he had to break it one last time. "Sigurd?"
"Yeah?" Sigurd said sleepily, the fatigue of his emotional storm finally catching up with him.
"Would you take one piece of advice from me?"
"And what's that?" Sigurd said, receptive to this as Geddoe's advice had managed to keep him from making too many mistakes so far.
Geddoe almost hated to say it, but... "Don't force yourself to decide between...me and her, just yet," he said. "There's no law that says you can't court us both."
That...wasn't exactly what he WANTED to hear, but...it was definitely what he needed. To make decisions in haste right now would to be just doing damage to both of them. And the last thing he wanted to do was cause either of them anymore pain than he already may potentially have done.
With Sigurd's collar undone, it was easy for Geddoe to lazily stroke the back of his neck as they both settled down to sleep. "All right?" he prompted, just to make sure his advice was received.
Sigurd silently nodded, his next breath shuddering slightly from the feeling on his neck. Oh yes...this was nice...he wondered if Bernadette would be the same way...
Geddoe felt the whiff of breath along his collarbone and chuckled tiredly. "All right, then. Sleep well...Sig."