Geddoe (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
trueltning_fury) wrote2008-03-11 07:42 pm
trueltning_fury) wrote2008-03-11 07:42 pm
Relief
I almost can't believe myself. To think I could have been so distracted by my personal life that I didn't even notice that the silencing effect that had been holding my Rune captive wore off. Not that I had a reason to check to see whether I could cast with it until the little incident with Luc and Sasarai called my attention to it, but...I'm kicking myself for not noticing at all. I bet it was free days ago, and my attention was simply...elsewhere.
True Lightning and I have always had a complex but stable relationship. I protect it, and it doesn't bother me for the most part. I've read enough study of true runes to know that there are some things about them that one simply cannot understand unless one bears a rune, though the scholars get some things right. True Runes have wills of their own, though to call it a personality is a bit misleading. Yet, having borne True Lightning for as long as I have, there are times I feel it does sort of have a personality of sorts. One not too dissimilar to my own. Lightning as an element seeks only one thing: release. The energy builds in the clouds, friction of wind and water, until it has no choice but to release itself in the form of a bolt of lightning, simply to relieve the tension. True Lightning's will is something of the same - it only wants to be released now and again, to be free. Its will has a short attention span, though, naturally, unlike fire, which can burn and smoulder indefinitely. I know deep in my soul that the Rune did not like being kept hidden for fifty years, that's a long time to go without release, but it understood. Somehow, it has decided to accept me as a worthy vessel, and really has no more intention of leaving me than I have of giving it up. So, it tolerated the long captivity for its own sake, perhaps subconsciously knowing that someday it would be released again. And it was, and so here I am, carrying it openly. Maybe that's why we were both so frustrated by the silence. I hope it doesn't rebel against me for failing to pay attention to it. Then again, it may simply be as relieved as I am that the silence is broken.
Perhaps I mistook the Rune's gradual quiet calm for a reflection of my own spirit. If the silence wore off about the same time as my personal interests took a turn from confusion and fear to happiness, it could be that I didn't notice because the Rune was as relieved and happy about its own situation as I was about mine. Separate goals, but a shared relief with a great sense of timing. I don't suppose I'll ever know, since trying to think back over the past week only brings to mind little moments of pleasure and comfort that I enjoyed for myself, with no thoughts for runes, duty, or anything else. I'm happy because I'm in love, and I'm not ashamed to admit it. A little sheepish, maybe, that I was so self-absorbed that I couldn't even notice the subtle change to my rune, but that's not such a surprise. The emotional turmoil has been on a grand scale, for me. I think True Lightning would have had to zap me itself to get me to notice anything else besides Sigurd. Though, just in case, I think that...as soon as I'm able to travel, there's a few mantikra up on Mt. Hei-Tou that I can go and hunt down, just to give the Rune the release it seeks. As long as I offer it some small appeasement, it should let me go on with my life in peace.
Sigurd is amazing. How a gentle soul like his could have touched me so deeply I'll never know, but I won't take it for granted. He's turned my life upside down, he makes me quick to do and say things I never thought myself capable of. He's breaking me out of my shell with all the finesse of a sledgehammer - suddenly, I can't resist touching him, holding him, where I used to keep people at arm's length even if I was mildly interested in them. It's as though making the decision to embrace my feelings rather than shun them has awakened an instinct in me that I didn't know I had. I want nothing more than to see him smile, and hear his voice speak my name with affection. I still have a ways to go, though. He finds it so easy to speak words of love, and I still hesitate. Not that I don't love him, I just haven't broken through the restraint that keeps me from saying so, that easily. I'm sure it's only a matter of time. I need to mean it when I say it, and not toss it around casually like certain playboys I know. I would rather say it once, in a moment of pure, unguarded expression, than a thousand times just because I'm afraid he'll doubt me if I don't. He trusts me so; I will never betray that trust. All I need is to be with him, be near him, and I forget everything else. Oh, I'm sure the sugary feeling will wear off in time, but that's when the real love becomes clear. When I defy an eternity of fate and choose to remain at his side even though the Rune puts us both in jeopardy, even though it'll hurt to lose him when I can't follow him into death...it doesn't matter to me, I'd rather have him, for as long as life gives us.
...hurry up and heal, body! You can't take strenuous activity just yet. Trust me. It'll happen. Not too soon. I don't want it to be too soon.
Perhaps I mistook the Rune's gradual quiet calm for a reflection of my own spirit. If the silence wore off about the same time as my personal interests took a turn from confusion and fear to happiness, it could be that I didn't notice because the Rune was as relieved and happy about its own situation as I was about mine. Separate goals, but a shared relief with a great sense of timing. I don't suppose I'll ever know, since trying to think back over the past week only brings to mind little moments of pleasure and comfort that I enjoyed for myself, with no thoughts for runes, duty, or anything else. I'm happy because I'm in love, and I'm not ashamed to admit it. A little sheepish, maybe, that I was so self-absorbed that I couldn't even notice the subtle change to my rune, but that's not such a surprise. The emotional turmoil has been on a grand scale, for me. I think True Lightning would have had to zap me itself to get me to notice anything else besides Sigurd. Though, just in case, I think that...as soon as I'm able to travel, there's a few mantikra up on Mt. Hei-Tou that I can go and hunt down, just to give the Rune the release it seeks. As long as I offer it some small appeasement, it should let me go on with my life in peace.
Sigurd is amazing. How a gentle soul like his could have touched me so deeply I'll never know, but I won't take it for granted. He's turned my life upside down, he makes me quick to do and say things I never thought myself capable of. He's breaking me out of my shell with all the finesse of a sledgehammer - suddenly, I can't resist touching him, holding him, where I used to keep people at arm's length even if I was mildly interested in them. It's as though making the decision to embrace my feelings rather than shun them has awakened an instinct in me that I didn't know I had. I want nothing more than to see him smile, and hear his voice speak my name with affection. I still have a ways to go, though. He finds it so easy to speak words of love, and I still hesitate. Not that I don't love him, I just haven't broken through the restraint that keeps me from saying so, that easily. I'm sure it's only a matter of time. I need to mean it when I say it, and not toss it around casually like certain playboys I know. I would rather say it once, in a moment of pure, unguarded expression, than a thousand times just because I'm afraid he'll doubt me if I don't. He trusts me so; I will never betray that trust. All I need is to be with him, be near him, and I forget everything else. Oh, I'm sure the sugary feeling will wear off in time, but that's when the real love becomes clear. When I defy an eternity of fate and choose to remain at his side even though the Rune puts us both in jeopardy, even though it'll hurt to lose him when I can't follow him into death...it doesn't matter to me, I'd rather have him, for as long as life gives us.
...hurry up and heal, body! You can't take strenuous activity just yet. Trust me. It'll happen. Not too soon. I don't want it to be too soon.