Geddoe (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
trueltning_fury) wrote2009-07-13 02:25 pm
trueltning_fury) wrote2009-07-13 02:25 pm
private
For forty years, I walked alone. Knowing that the only two people in the world who mattered were somewhere, but expecting never to see one of them again. I refused to call anyone else a friend, because no one else could possibly understand enough to get as close as Wyatt and Kaiden. I didn't want friends. I made alliances, and contacts, but not friends. Mortals die. I would live on past them anyway, they could never understand the concept of forever, until death.
I let the team get close to me. For some reason, that particular bunch of people refused to stay at arm's length. They accepted when I had to keep things from them, they would tell each other - in my hearing - that it was just the way I was. I believe their loyalty to me at the start of the war was proof that they considered me their friend.
There is nothing I could possibly say or do to fix Queen. It doesn't surprise me that she chose to leave. And I won't be surprised if she doesn't come back. There are places I won't ever go back to, because of what they mean. What happened there, things I don't want to remember. Aila and Wyatt are optimistic; I'm not. Because people who were at minimum my allies and subordinates in the time of the Fire Bringer, who survived the war just fine, are long dead and their children are raising children. Queen, Ace, and Joker...if severing my ties with the Twelfth has made it so I've lost them...
I should have given them the same respect I gave Sigurd and Wyatt. I have already come to terms with losing them someday. Somehow, my perfectly alive, perfectly in-their-right-time friends escaped my notice.
Life is pain. Loss is inevitable. Why do we humans torture ourselves by clinging to things we know full well we're going to lose?
I let the team get close to me. For some reason, that particular bunch of people refused to stay at arm's length. They accepted when I had to keep things from them, they would tell each other - in my hearing - that it was just the way I was. I believe their loyalty to me at the start of the war was proof that they considered me their friend.
There is nothing I could possibly say or do to fix Queen. It doesn't surprise me that she chose to leave. And I won't be surprised if she doesn't come back. There are places I won't ever go back to, because of what they mean. What happened there, things I don't want to remember. Aila and Wyatt are optimistic; I'm not. Because people who were at minimum my allies and subordinates in the time of the Fire Bringer, who survived the war just fine, are long dead and their children are raising children. Queen, Ace, and Joker...if severing my ties with the Twelfth has made it so I've lost them...
I should have given them the same respect I gave Sigurd and Wyatt. I have already come to terms with losing them someday. Somehow, my perfectly alive, perfectly in-their-right-time friends escaped my notice.
Life is pain. Loss is inevitable. Why do we humans torture ourselves by clinging to things we know full well we're going to lose?