Geddoe (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
trueltning_fury) wrote2008-05-12 10:48 pm
trueltning_fury) wrote2008-05-12 10:48 pm
A lack of thoughts
It occurred to me while I was sitting at the desk whetting my knife that I haven't bothered to write a journal in a while. Things got so strange, so frustrating, and then completely turned around, I don't think I took the time to process any of it. That, and I'm not a writer by nature - when I was so angry, the last thing I wanted to do was speak about it. And again, in the afterglow of better days...who the hell would want to sit and write?
Well, all right, maybe someone else. Not me. But...
Well, all right, maybe someone else. Not me. But...
I don't know whether to be relieved or disturbed that, given the right cirumstance, I reverted instantly to my old, moody self. Relieved that I haven't changed as much as people tell me? Or disturbed that I still have it in me to fall into a mood, and lash out angrily at anyone who crosses my path. Ah, I suppose I give Sigurd too much credit. He has inspired a lot of change in my habits, my routine, and my attitude on some things, but he's not a miracle worker. It will still take time to sand off all the rough edges. I've had decades to become who I am, it doesn't change overnight just because someone comes along to show me love.
It is love. I know it now more than I did on the first day I realized what it was that I felt. I know it more every day that I spend with him. I look forward to knowing it even more as time goes on. It's a curious thing. And not at all unpleasant. I used to think and say disparaging things about the concept, but now that it has me in a tight grip, I understand. I understand Wyatt better, I even understand...him. To a point. I still think he made a foolish choice, but I'm starting to see that it was the only choice he could have made. Love puts you in some difficult positions. It isn't all sunshine and flowers...but being able to look into your lover's eyes at the end of the day and say it was worth it, good or bad...that's what it's all about.
I don't even want to put pen to anything about Joker. I'll deal with that later. He's gone off, someone said he got on the ship with Bernadette and the others. Maybe an island vacation will do him some good, but I don't think it's going to make him think any differently about me. And I hope to the heavens that he and Kyle don't get to talking about me, or Kyle's going to do something stupid. I just know it. Brave, loyal, and stupid. Ah, Kyle. He's a good man. I'm proud to have him for a friend, and if he does do something stupid, I'll be proud of him in secret. Probably still tell him otherwise to his face. I can't wait to see how much he's healed, when he gets back. In the meantime, I'm letting myself heal inside and out. I'm trying to be less snappish with the youngsters around - and Sigurd has helped greatly in that regard - while I continue to work at regaining my strength and stamina. I need to spar more opponents. Watari was a test, and given a little more work, I'm ready for another. Unfortunately, two of my choicest opponents went off on the ship. I'll probably ask Wyatt or Sigurd. Maybe both. Sigurd could use some lessons in close-range combat, even though he will always excel at ranged fighting. It's such a pleasure to watch him fight at his best...the keen look he gets on his face, the concentration, the set of his shoulders....
Okay, lost my train of thought there.
I'm settling in much better these days. But I shouldn't let myself get soft, sitting around in the tavern having drinks with companions, learning to play this Ritapon game I gave Sigurd. I should have a talk with him about taking our journey around the Grasslands, like I promised him. Whether we wait until the others get back from the Islands, or go on our own, just the two of us. It would be a change, something to do, some activity we could both use. I'd like to go to the Hollow and thank Shiba for his help with my armor. I should like to look in on Sana. Perhaps...perhaps I could even visit his resting place. This is the first time in well over fifty years that I've actually been interested in seeing him, just for him. Not for the rune. Not like during the war, when it was necessary. I was still angry, then. Much of that anger has ebbed, at last. I could stand to at least tell him that...I get it, now.
In the meantime, I ought to spend more time with Wyatt. He's been through hell lately, and he needs an old friend. I can't spend every minute shut away with Sigurd, after all.
It is love. I know it now more than I did on the first day I realized what it was that I felt. I know it more every day that I spend with him. I look forward to knowing it even more as time goes on. It's a curious thing. And not at all unpleasant. I used to think and say disparaging things about the concept, but now that it has me in a tight grip, I understand. I understand Wyatt better, I even understand...him. To a point. I still think he made a foolish choice, but I'm starting to see that it was the only choice he could have made. Love puts you in some difficult positions. It isn't all sunshine and flowers...but being able to look into your lover's eyes at the end of the day and say it was worth it, good or bad...that's what it's all about.
I don't even want to put pen to anything about Joker. I'll deal with that later. He's gone off, someone said he got on the ship with Bernadette and the others. Maybe an island vacation will do him some good, but I don't think it's going to make him think any differently about me. And I hope to the heavens that he and Kyle don't get to talking about me, or Kyle's going to do something stupid. I just know it. Brave, loyal, and stupid. Ah, Kyle. He's a good man. I'm proud to have him for a friend, and if he does do something stupid, I'll be proud of him in secret. Probably still tell him otherwise to his face. I can't wait to see how much he's healed, when he gets back. In the meantime, I'm letting myself heal inside and out. I'm trying to be less snappish with the youngsters around - and Sigurd has helped greatly in that regard - while I continue to work at regaining my strength and stamina. I need to spar more opponents. Watari was a test, and given a little more work, I'm ready for another. Unfortunately, two of my choicest opponents went off on the ship. I'll probably ask Wyatt or Sigurd. Maybe both. Sigurd could use some lessons in close-range combat, even though he will always excel at ranged fighting. It's such a pleasure to watch him fight at his best...the keen look he gets on his face, the concentration, the set of his shoulders....
Okay, lost my train of thought there.
I'm settling in much better these days. But I shouldn't let myself get soft, sitting around in the tavern having drinks with companions, learning to play this Ritapon game I gave Sigurd. I should have a talk with him about taking our journey around the Grasslands, like I promised him. Whether we wait until the others get back from the Islands, or go on our own, just the two of us. It would be a change, something to do, some activity we could both use. I'd like to go to the Hollow and thank Shiba for his help with my armor. I should like to look in on Sana. Perhaps...perhaps I could even visit his resting place. This is the first time in well over fifty years that I've actually been interested in seeing him, just for him. Not for the rune. Not like during the war, when it was necessary. I was still angry, then. Much of that anger has ebbed, at last. I could stand to at least tell him that...I get it, now.
In the meantime, I ought to spend more time with Wyatt. He's been through hell lately, and he needs an old friend. I can't spend every minute shut away with Sigurd, after all.